Promiscuity and 'Reality' TV: Real Love in Three Weeks!

It's 2AM, a game of hacky sack from the room above has just awoken you from your peaceful slumber. You peel your face from your copy of Durkheim's Rules of Sociological Method. You have concluded that you aren't one of those lucky individuals who can learn through osmosis. What are you to do? Turn on the good old fashioned boob tube.

Click.




News. Brian Williams. [Yawn] Boring.

Click.




Ocho-Cinco. This might be interesting. Wait...why are there starving children on TV? Why aren't you playing football Chad? Nairobi? Thank god I don't live in Africa.

Click.




FLAVOR FLAAAAAAVVVVV! Yeah boiiiiiiiii! WOOOOWWWWWW! VH1, I bow to thee for once again providing me with mass-consumed sustenance. I really hope that Flav finds the woman he has been looking for. If Brigitte Nielsen can't take care of the little, developmentally-challenged imp, who can? Flavor Flav, you're going to be alright. "Hoopz" and "Deelishis" didn't work out, but what can you expect when you have to find love in three weeks? For you, my man, the third time is the charm! You're going to find your soulmate and the two of you will take care of your seven rugrats. You'll pop another one in the oven, and further share your love with the world. And when it is all said and done, hopefully this will be the last time you have to search for love.

Flav, I just want you to know that I'm trying to be "Sinceer", but it's really hard when you don't seem take love or women very seriously. Come on, "Myammee", "Hotlanta", " Grayvee"--is it me or does this sound like a PA forgot to use spell check when printing out the cue cards? Why can't you call them by their real names? Instead, you choose names that couldn't get much more degrading--"Bunz", "Thing 1 and Thing 2", and "Luscious D" (Okay, I'll admit, this one's kinda hot). The truth of the matter is that the names you give women on your show are the least of your problems. Listen up, Flav, If you're going to find real love you need to look beyond "reality" television.

Flav, try to understand that shows like Rock of Love, A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila, I Love New York, and Flavor of Love are simply saying the same thing about love--if, in three weeks, you can get two dozen women together in one house, you'll find real love. I don't know in which alternate dimension this kind of activity passes for "reality", but in our society if people see 24 women in one house they either think it is a safe house for domestic violence victims or brothel. I don't want to be overly critical, because I think we need to understand this illegitimate conception of love is of our own doing. Though it pains me, I'll admit that I frequently watch three out of the four shows I just mentioned. I have had a hand in the devaluation of love by promoting conduct that in every day life is considered promiscuous, but is widely acceptable and commonplace on nearly every major television network.

So Flav, you can spare me those crocodile tears. I'm just as culpable as you are in all of this, but I think I know how I can help you find love. Without sounding too much like Seth Rogen in "The 40-Year Old Virgin", love is like a seed. You plant the seed. You wait for it patiently. You take care of its needs by buying it potting soil and plant food. You wait for it patiently. You see it start to sprout so you mist it for encouragement. You wait for it patiently. Eventually, your plant grows and you realize that it isn't what you expected. It's almost scary how unexpectedly different it is. Then it hits you--the unexpected part was the part that you didn't ask for, but it was what made love worth the wait in the first place.

So you hang in there Flav. Cut it out already. Honestly, the world can't handle a Flavor of Love 4. Be patient, and love will come to you. And for God's sake, wrap it up already.